Ah, failed again. This was my second attempt.
Phew… A long sigh.
It seems as if my life, as of this moment, is full of long sighs. I have lost that zest – that springiness which people have at the back of their heels. I am afraid to go to sleep for nightmares may haunt me, which they do far too often these days. I am afraid to wake up for I don’t feel like doing anything. I lie on the bed staring at the ceiling fan hoping for something akin to a miracle if not the miracle itself to happen.
Passivity is what I engage in. Activities may result in failure. Passivity is comforting. I spend hours watching obscure television series and films. I excel at self pitying, maybe the only thing I do excel at. It’s not that I don’t know what to do. I just can’t get myself to do it. I don’t know why but I just can’t.
Another night. Again the fear of nightmares haunting me. The lights are off and I am sitting in the dark supported by the walls at the corner of my bed. I just want to get by this. Please world, leave me be.
A voice comes from somewhere. I startle a little. It is now accompanied by beats and guitar music. I wonder if this is reality or dreamscape. Suddenly a spotlight beams at the floor. There is a sense of movement and a well built man all in black seems to wriggle himself out of nowhere.
The voice intensifies. I can hear it even if I try closing my ears. Yes, I did try to close it out. The beats now go peppy. I feel rather miffed at this for I just wanted to be left alone. But that dancer has something about it. He seems to attract me with his energy. Oh, wait a second, is that Allu Arjun?
I am now witnessing an impromptu performance right in front of my eyes. Oh, I am having goosebumps. I can feel the dance and the music. It feels as if two different realms within me are fighting for the ownership of the kingdom that is me.
Allu Arjun’s dance is now picking up energy. The voice matches it to the count. Not a single tone missed.
Did he just lift me up and asked me to dance? Am I supposed to match his moves? How in the world am I going to do that? But I am doing it. It seems I can dance. Oh yes, I can.
There is a visible change in the room. Am I hallucinating? What is happening here? There is a weird springiness all about me. There is a voice within which says it’s alright. Is it? It certainly seems so.
I can give it another try. What’s the worst that can happen? Yes, I may fail again. So what? There’s always music and dance. A voice says again,
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter.
Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
I don’t think I can fail again. No, I can’t. But don’t you see, the voice cries, it’s not about that. It’s about trying. It’s about dancing to the energy.
The performance comes to a close. As Allu Arjun departs with a gracious move and with him the voice of Anushka feebles, there is an illumination everywhere.
Wait, how did the lights get all open by themselves?
A part of me thus asks, “Is it all real?” Another part questions first, “What’s real?” and then goes on to say, “Does it matter?”
No it doesn’t.
Let’s try again. Let’s go all in again. Let’s win it. In any case, third time’s the charm.